Is Financial Stress Stressing You Out?

Money is one of the topics couples most often fight about. How many times have you and your mate allowed stress over your finances to cause a conflict? Some couples fight about money daily. However, the problem is usually not actually about money. Couples with plenty of money sometimes fight just as much about it as those who don’t have enough. 

The problem is really about differing values and views about money. Simply put, people fight about money when they aren’t on the same page. This can happen in any relationship at any time. There can be small differences or large ones that cause conflict, but the problems will continue to occur until the underlying issue is resolved. 

I recently discovered a discrepancy in financial values with my husband. This came as quite a shock to me, since we are more closely compatible on this topic than anyone else I know. We are both financially responsible, both frugal, and have similar financial goals. He and I talked about money and our views frequently and I never could have imagined a conflict in this area. 

A few days before the conflict became apparent to me, we had a casual conversation about credit cards. To sum it up, I thought using credit cards responsibly was fine, and he doesn’t believe in using them at all. I thought it was just a basic difference that didn’t matter as long as we stuck to our budget and financial plan. I walked away from the conversation thinking things were fine. He didn’t. After things had been strained between us for a few days, I discovered that this difference in financial values had been a much bigger deal than I had realized. Because we both work at maintaining good communication, we discussed it, compromised, and resolved it within minutes. We both walked away feeling heard, respected, and valued.

However, it became very obvious to me, how something that I viewed as insignificant could have completely derailed our relationship if we had chosen to handle it differently. If the emotional effects of this conflict had lasted for weeks or months instead of a few days, I can’t even imagine how different things would have been between us. It was a very good reminder for me to pay more attention to these differences as they arise and never dismiss a simple conversation as insignificant. That’s how problems usually begin. 

Now, I realize that my story is far from the norm, but I wanted to use this as an example of something small that can become life changing if you let it. Let’s talk about financial stress that is more common and complicated.

What if one partner is frugal while the other is not? 

What if two people are working towards completely different goals? 

What if there isn’t enough money to pay all of the bills and partners can’t agree on how to handle the situation? 

What if partners never discuss their values or financial goals so they don’t even know if they are on the same page or not? 

These are all common issues that come up in couples’ counseling. (We are going to stick to the most common problems for now, but know that if you are dealing with something more extreme such as an addiction of some kind, there are different approaches and resources.) With most financial issues between couples, the remedy is the same. Discover and discuss your financial values and goals, identify where you have similarities and differences, and start working towards getting on the same page. Sounds simple enough, right? It can be.

What are your financial values?

Find a good time for you and your partner to sit down and discuss your financial values. What can money bring into your life? What is most important to you when you think of money? Do you want security and stability? Do you want fun and freedom? Do you have any fears regarding money? What’s most important to you and why? Write these down and see if any of yours overlap.

What are your financial goals?

Next, determine what your financial goals are. List as many as you can and be specific. Is it to get out of debt? Have a certain amount saved for retirement? Maybe you want to buy something you have always dreamed of or save for a vacation. Whatever your goals, write them down. Set amounts, deadlines, and action steps for all of them. 

Compare and contrast.

What values are the same and which are different? Do you have the same goals? Can you get on board with your partners values and goals, or do you think there will need to be some compromises? Don’t panic if you have discovered that you are on totally different pages. There are limitless ways of working through these differences. You can also talk with a counselor to help you work through any problems you have discovered throughout this exercise.

“Discover and discuss your financial values and goals, identify where you have similarities and differences, and start working towards getting on the same page.”

Make a plan.

To simplify things, start with the goals you already agree upon. Write down your financial plan. Create a budget and steps you will both follow to achieve these goals. Determine who will be contributing to what. Chances are that there are at least a few items on your lists that you can work together on easily. Use these simple successes to help you build your connection and confidence. 

Make and follow your financial plan to eliminate stress about money from your life and relationship. If any of this seems too daunting, break it down and do it step by step. If you don’t know how to go about this, then work through it with someone guiding and mediating. There’s no reason to let your finances continue cluttering up your relationship. 

Tags: communication, relationship building, couples counseling, money, stress